


It has always been just Me.

by MashuraDi



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Episode: s11e09 O Brother Where Art Thou?, Everyone left him behind, He just wants to be needeeeeeeddd!, Lucifer feels like Shit I guess, Not a native english writer, Other, Screw the new writers, This is basically Lucifer's thoughts after the last episode, lol, mentions of Sam - Freeform, quotes, screw Chuck, screw everything!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-16
Updated: 2015-12-16
Packaged: 2018-05-07 03:31:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 726
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5441852
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MashuraDi/pseuds/MashuraDi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lucifer and Sam reunites in Limbo, only that this time Lucifer is trapped like a caged animal.<br/>This should be basically Lucifer's thoughts in S11E09.<br/>Conflicting emotions ahead.</p>
            </blockquote>





	It has always been just Me.

**Author's Note:**

> This is me just typing something after reminding about that one episode, sorrynotsorry for loving canon s5 Lucifer.  
> I only tried to add some inner angst inside him, because I believe he keeps a lot for himself. His pride can also get in the way, I don't know. I'm not sure how to categorize this entirely, all I know this is short.  
> [Renezinha](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Renezinha), thanks again for beta-reading this <3

* * *

 

 

Look at me in the eyes and tell me why it hurts so much to see you once again, this time? When you should have come to me, not now, but sooner? Now you're here but it's just because you need my help.  
I once agreed that you were right, that humans deserved a chance just as Gabriel said, and we both jumped together into that hole.  
Michael wasn't supposed to come along, he was meant to stay safe in Heaven. Still, I did not feel alone that time because I knew you were with me...  
But you left me behind. I thought you would come back, but you didn't, until this day.

I want to get out of here.

You got me all wrong once again, kiddo, I'm not the bad guy here. If only you could see that.  
What you saw, it wasn't me. Don't look at me with fear, it's breaking me on the inside.  
I'm trapped, defenseless, behind bars. Trying to be in control of the situation because, in the end, you decided to show up.  
You say it was God, and I want to laugh, and cry at the same time. God is always there, trying to steal my work. Something I tried with so much effort, to reach out to you, and make you understand I'm _still_ here.  
It hurt, if only you knew.

And I _really_ need to get out of here.

We are connected, and you still do not want to accept it.  
You want help. I can offer it to you.  
Offer me your hand. You know I'm now your only hope.  
I told you once I wanted you to be happy. That hasn't changed.  
And I'm tired of being in here...  
It's so cold,  
So dark.  
My wings are not what they once were. I can barely feel them anymore.

But I want to get out of here...  
I _want_ to get out of here.

Waiting for you to accept me it's beginning to hurt, more than I expected.  
You were supposed to be part of me, my other half. Literally.  
And I just want to close my eyes, and let it all happen. Let the Darkness to do as she pleases.  
What's worth fighting for, when there is no one _needing_ me?  
Not like this, but for _me_.  
They left me to rot in this Cage, for _one_ single mistake.  
Not once. _Twice_.  
I'm still yet to find out if God even cares.  
I keep telling myself he doesn't, but...

Will he ever accept that he, as well, is not perfect?

Sam...  
It wasn't God.  
It was me.  
It has always been just me.  
And here I was hoping that you would figure it out on your own.

I'm so sorry the truth made you cry.

_"It's never gonna happen."_

And it's always the same old song...

I know I can get out now, and I should be trying to calm you down.  
But I can't.  
Because it wasn't you the one pulling me out.  
And that disappoints me.

_"Well, settle in there buddy,"_

I am actually loathing my own pride right now, because it shows up in the moments I feel the worse. It has been damaged, and I don't know what to do with myself anymore.

And I blame you.  
I blame you, and hate you.  
Because I still _care_ about you.

And you will always look up for God.  
Not for me.  
Not for the one who is supposed to be your one true family.

The cage made you believe a bunch of lies, but it's alright.  
So I might get out now, I might show you the truth, once again.  
And then leave you on your own.  
You said it yourself, if it weren't for the crisis topside, you wouldn't be here.  
So why should I care?

You were made for me, and at the same time, not entirely.  
I cannot have anything.  
From all the things I have wanted ever since my fall, you were the only one I cared about.  
But I don't have you, and it seems I never will.

That single touch that meant so much, vision or not,  
It was the real me.

And I guess I am a fool...  
For believing you still might, one day, come after me.  
Not for help, but for _me_.  


 


End file.
